i love you forever and i'm coming back
click zoe to begin!
i made this because i feel like i still have so much i need to say, and also because i’m selfish, and i don’t want to be forgotten. i want to believe that if i can just find the right words, a little part of me can live forever.
i've arranged for this to be shared posthumously, so by the time you read this, i'll be well and truly gone. i can't imagine not being here, and i don't want that reality to hurt anyone. instead, i hope this can be a source of comfort to anyone who needs it.
i might be gone, but i'll be with you forever.
I feel like I’m at the airport.
I’ve got a plane to catch.
It’s going to take me far, far away
To a place where I’ve never been.
Where none of us have ever been,
Or maybe where we all came from.
You’ve come to see me off;
There are so many goodbyes to be said.
We’re trying to hold onto each other forever
Because it’s going to be a long, long time
Before I see you again.
Leaving is the hardest thing I've ever done,
But I’ve got a plane to catch.
I’ve got to get through security
And go to my terminal,
Where there’s an aeroplane
Waiting to take off.
I don’t know where it’s going to take me
But I’m convincing myself that
I’m more excited than scared.
I’m going to miss everything so much
And I don't want to leave anyone behind,
But I have to go.
I don’t want to think about how
I wish I could have delayed this flight
Forever and ever, maybe if I just
Went back and changed something
In the tangled threads of my life,
I might have had more time.
But the plane can’t take off
Until I accept my fate,
And the heaviness in my heart
Is left behind, garbage taken away
To be recycled, made pure.
And I know I will also be lighter
As the wheels lift off the tarmac
And I rise upwards into the sky,
Always such a pure shade of blue
High above the clouds.
Someday far, far away in the future
You’ll be catching a plane too.
And I’ll be waiting at the terminal
When you get off that flight.
And you’ll see me holding a sign
With your name on it.
my name is jo. i am 17 years old. i like films and poetry and the way rain feels in the summertime. i wish i was taller. i used to bite my nails. i can never keep my eyes open underwater. i still dont know who i am. i wish i could define myself by the words i say and the things i do, because i’m afraid of getting lost forever.
i have several chronic illnesses that are beyond treatment, and my health is rapidly deteriorating. due to numerous infections, many of my organs have failed and my immune system is too weak for transplant surgery to be an option. i’m receiving end-of-life care in a hospital, including therapy to help me accept my fate.
there’s really no way to know exactly when, but it’s probably soon. time has become so precious to me, but it’s like trying to hold water in cupped hands. the seconds are trickling through my fingers so fast i can feel them, and i dont want to waste a single one. i’m grateful for what i have, but i wish i had more time. there's still have so much i want to do.
isn’t this the question we spend our whole lives trying to answer? even though i’m almost at the end of mine, it’s not any clearer. a part of me wants to know, because i want to believe that there’s an explanation, a justification for everything, some secret that makes everything okay. but a bigger part of me doesn’t want to know. i’m afraid that the answer won’t be the one i want, that it won’t change anything, fix anything, make me feel better in any capacity.
whether or not there's a reason for the way my life turned out, i just have to accept it.
everything i didn't say
i have so much to say. my emotions are hurtling around inside me, more than i could ever name. so many feelings, but i can't express myself. everything is jumbled up, confusing, chaotic. i wish i had more time to organise my thoughts but i don't. time is ticking, the shadows grow tall, i waste my breath.
i say all these things: i miss you, i love you, thank you for everything, and i mean it, i really do. i am happy and i can laugh and feel lucky and be grateful for everything that ever made life a little bit easier.
i say all these things and i want them to take on a life of their own. i want my love to live in all my friends who deserve nothing but joy. if you miss me, i hope you know i miss you more, and that i'm close to you.
i am so close to you, and so far away. i can never quite manage to say how afraid i am, because i want to be strong. i'm scared of being weak, of being in pain, of losing, of making the wrong choices.
i feel like a coward and a fraud sometimes, because i don't know half the things i thought i would by now. i really thought that when it was time, i would finally understand. i hoped that i would feel at peace with my fate and the universe, accepting all things, free from anxiety.
but the truth is that i'm falling apart, and i don't think i'm meant to pull myself together.
i get so mad when i imagine how my life could have gone. especially when i think about the future, which is empty for me. there were so many places i wanted to go and people i wanted to meet.
but i can never stay mad for long, because it breaks me down, and suddenly i'm the saddest person in the whole wide world, even though i promised everyone that i wouldn't be.
there are so many books i will never read, songs i will never hear, jokes i will never laugh at. the films that i've been looking forward to seeing for months, i'll have to raise my white flag and say, you win, i will never know you.
but i do believe that everything comes together in the end. no matter how scared i get, how mad, how sad, it'll be over soon, and for that i'm grateful.
sometimes i think the suffering is unbearable, and i wish i was already gone. it's so hard to say goodbye forever and imagine life going on without me. i don't want to go, but my past keeps me prisoner and i'd sooner be free.
i keep saying that i need more time, but i feel like i got everything i deserved. at any given moment, the future is always ahead of me, ready when i am, and i'm just so lucky to be in the present, right now, alive for a little bit longer.